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My name is Cindy and I am a recovering Perfectionist.
For a long time I didn’t recognize the signs, even though looking back they were there. It wasn’t until I heard the words; words that caught me totally off guard because they came out of MY mouth, that I realized there was a problem. “If my own father could leave me, I can’t be worth much.” Where did that come from? I’d never consciously had that thought before the very instant those words tumbled from my heart onto my tongue.
I’ve come to realize that somewhere in the traumatic moments as my dad turned his back on the sobbing eleven year old me and walked out our front door, a lie seeped into every crack of my freshly broken heart. A lie so painful that typing about it now brings me to tears. A lie that told a little girl that if she’d only been better, her dad wouldn’t have left.
Funny thing about lies, they’re often easy to believe and this one grew and intertwined itself in every part of my life until I was convinced that to be loved, I had to be perfect. Well, we all know how that turns out, don’t we? Trying to be the best student, teacher, wife, parent, Christian…doing all that I could to give that flawless performance so others would see my worth…. so I could see my own worth… backfired. The harder I tried, the more failures I experienced, the more failures-the more guilt I felt, so what did I do? I tried harder. Striving to be perfect was exhausting!
Speaking those words that had been hidden in my heart for so long was the beginning of a journey I’m still on. A journey of recovery. A journey of freedom. A journey of grace.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 (NIV)
Did you catch that? It’s taken me a long time to embrace this wonderful truth. God’s love doesn’t wait for us to be perfect! We are loved when we’re angry. We’re loved when we are judgmental. We are loved when we fail. And yes, we are loved when we are imperfectly doing everything we can to be perfect.
I am a recovering Perfectionist. I am Cindy and I am loved! Friends, you are too! What could be worth more?
Linking up again today with Suzanne Eller’s #livefreeThursday at http://www.tsuzanneeller.com Today’s prompt? “When you’ve done all you can” Enjoy!
Thanks for sharing your story, Cindy. Those lies can be so powerful but I’m glad you were able to discover the truth of God’s love. I used to struggle with perfectionism a bit too and it is so freeing to realise that God loves us as we are and doesn’t expect us to be perfect.
It was such a relief for me, Carly! I still catch myself falling back into the old mindset once in awhile. With God’s help I’ve come a long way. Thank you for taking your time to comment.
Awwww Cindy, what we go through to learn the valu of “us” through God’s eyes <3 I learned to accept me through two years of anxiety. I learned that when we don't accept this person God made, then we're saying He really isn't the God who loves me, who made me. Until anxiety……Psalm 139….I read and comprehended this amazing love. I learned to accept me when I accepted "this love that is so amazing". His thoughts of us alone are greater than the grains of sand. Even as I write this, I am moved to tears how we try with every thing within us to earn love and acceptance. How one is robbed of the joy God intended. "You are precious in His sight, you are fearfully and wonderfully made" ………. such tenderness and truth is found in your writings and how pleasing to your Heavenly Father that His word is being presented as a testimony to healings taking place within you. God bless your sweet heart <3 I love your blogs 🙂
Oh Caron, now you have brought me to tears. You are such an inspiration to me and you will never know what your words of encouragement mean to me! God bless YOU!
Once again Cindy, you tapped into my heart. When I was 5 I told my mom I wanted to be a ballerina. She replied “they don’t have fat ballerinas”. Mind you, I was 5 and I’ve seen pictures of myself, I was not fat. But I’ve remembered that one comment all of my life. A while back it dawned on me that if she said that to me, she had already been thinking it. I was so hurt. But my God tells me I am His friend, I am loved beyond measure, I am His creation. That’s truth I can live with. By the way, I am a recovering perfectionist too! Thanks for an honest blog!
Oh Kim, it is amazing the effect one moment in time has on our hearts. We are who God planned us to be and I cling to that as I travel on this journey. You don’t know how much I appreciate your comments!
This brings to mind the song, “Good, Good Father” by Chris Tomlin. Have you heard it? The chorus says, “You’re a good, good Father. That’s who you are. And, I’m loved by you! That’s who I am!” That IS who we are! No matter how imperfect we are or our great our failings, our good, good Father loves us! I can rest assured knowing that my identity is in Him… I am loved by God.
Great post – such encouragement!
Blessings, Joan
Joan, you are not going to believe this but I listened to that song as I prepared for my quiet time yesterday! Wow! I rest in knowing my identity is in Him, too. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment!
Oh my dear friend.. it’s so hard to know you can’t judge your worth from other people. We all struggle with that so you are not alone. To have your first heart break at eleven is terrible. I am so sad for that child. But you are also a child of God and he has blessed you and I’m glad that now you are on the journey to reconciliation and hopefully forgiveness. One benefit to aging is that we gain an understanding and perspective of things that happened in our past. May God continue to grace you. Love, LV
LaVonne Hammett! You need to write a blog! Your comments to me touch me so deeply every time! You inspire me with your wisdom and kindness. You will never know what your words mean to me!
Courageous and very authentic, Cindy. Thanks for sharing this.
Sue, thank you for your kind words. This was a hard post but it was meant to be written. I hope to become more courageous. I so appreciate your support!