Wow! It’s been since October that I’ve written a post! I have many excuses…..I’ve worked on a couple projects up at school, I’ve traveled a little, and getting lost in the holiday rush…..all good reasons for not having the time to write…..good, but not the real reason.
The real reason I haven’t written is my own disillusionment and fear. It was eye-opening for me just now to go back and read my October post, “It’s Time”. I talk about taking off and living my dreams but instead I have done the exact opposite. Actually, I’ve been hiding.
I felt ready to retire. I felt it was time. I felt it was for the best for me and the school. I felt God was leading me to a new life and I couldn’t wait. But waiting is exactly what I’m doing and I must admit I’m not doing a very good job of it. Somehow I thought that my new future was going to emerge from writing this blog. It hasn’t. I was sure opportunities were going to knock on my door. The only opportunities I’ve been given are the spam messages to improve my blog that fill my inbox. I thought I was going to fulfill the longing of my creative spirit and make a difference. I thought I knew where I was going…..
Keeping busy hasn’t been a problem. I’ve spent a lot of time back at school substituting, putting up bulletin boards, chairing special projects and I’ve enjoyed it. It’s just that this isn’t how I envisioned it to be. Have I made a big mistake? Did I take my future into my own hands instead of following God’s lead? I talk a big game but truthfully, I’ve been scared and disappointed in myself. What have I done? What am I supposed to do now? I know…….wait.
So, here I am back to tell you that while I wish I was flying, sailing, climbing, or traveling on a new exciting adventure, I’m actually a little lost and still not sure where I’m going. It’s a good thing I have a patient husband, family who support me, and friends that cheer me on. Because really when it’s all said and done, it doesn’t matter where I’m headed. What matters most is who’s along for the ride and I am richly blessed by MY “traveling partners”! Am I a little anxious? Yes. Is this how I pictured retirement? No. The reality though is life rarely happens the way we expect it to. Once we realize it, we always have the choice to give up (as I sort of have been doing) or embrace the moment we’re in (what I’m now going to try to do). Armed with the confidence that God has a plan, that He can see the whole picture, and the knowledge that I’m surrounded by people who care about me, I’m going to try and relax, let go of my preconceptions, and be grateful for this time of discovery. Where will it lead me you ask? Your guess is as good as mine. I believe we’ll just have to WAIT and see.
Cindy, I can’t tell you how much this post touched me. I’m trying to figure out who I am all over again! I’m so blessed to have a supportive husband, and family. But I still have those moments when I wonder what is the point! Thanks for letting me know that there are other women my age who are dealing with the same thing.
ride “shotgun” position and enjoy the view. xo
You make a difference everyday with your smile and kindness. This is an amazing post. Remember your new adventure does not have to be planned out like a lesson plan.
Marianne your wise comment really resonated with me! For the past 32 years I HAVE lived by lesson plans! I’ve known exactly what I was going to do and when. I’m going to try hard to stop looking at life that way. Thanks for your insight!
Buckle up…and enjoy the ride!!!
You make a difference to me, Cindy, even though I’ve never met you.