Category Archives: Live Free Thursday

What Could Be Worth More?

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My name is Cindy and I am a recovering Perfectionist.

For a long time I didn’t recognize the signs, even though looking back they were there. It wasn’t until I heard the words; words that caught me totally off guard because they came out of MY mouth, that I realized there was a problem. “If my own father could leave me, I can’t be worth much.” Where did that come from?  I’d never consciously had that thought before the very instant those words tumbled from my heart onto my tongue.

I’ve come to realize that somewhere in the traumatic moments as my dad turned his back on the sobbing eleven year old me and walked out our front door, a lie seeped into every crack of my freshly broken heart.  A lie so painful that typing about it now brings me to tears.  A lie that told a little girl that if she’d only been better, her dad wouldn’t have left.

Funny thing about lies, they’re often easy to believe and this one grew and intertwined itself in every part of my life until I was convinced that to be loved, I had to be perfect. Well, we all know how that turns out, don’t we?  Trying to be the best student, teacher, wife, parent, Christian…doing all that I could to give that flawless performance so others would see my worth…. so I could see my own worth… backfired.  The harder I tried, the more failures I experienced, the more failures-the more guilt I felt, so what did I do?  I tried harder. Striving to be perfect was exhausting!

Speaking those words that had been hidden in my heart for so long was the beginning of a journey I’m still on.  A journey of recovery. A journey of freedom. A journey of grace.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 (NIV)

Did you catch that?  It’s taken me a long time to embrace this wonderful truth. God’s love doesn’t wait for us to be perfect!  We are loved when we’re angry. We’re loved when we are judgmental. We are loved when we fail. And yes, we are loved when we are imperfectly doing everything we can to be perfect. 

I am a recovering Perfectionist.  I am Cindy and I am loved! Friends, you are too!  What could be worth more?

Linking up again today with Suzanne Eller’s #livefreeThursday at http://www.tsuzanneeller.com Today’s prompt? “When you’ve done all you can” Enjoy!

Hanging in Limbo

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“Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.” Hebrews 10:23

 

Have you ever found yourself hanging in limbo between “all that I am and all that I’m not”?  That’s where I find myself now, dangling, like Paul when he wrote in Romans 7:15  “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it.  Instead, I do what I hate.”

Starting my day in devotion with God, following through on the things He’s calling me to do, trusting His plan and not my own……all things I believe I’m to pursue, and some days I get it right. But then I swing off track and checking Facebook, lingering too long, worry, and so much more have me suspended in a place I don’t want to be.

I’ve been watching a hornets’ nest high in a tree outside my kitchen window. It sways like a pendent in the wind back and forth, back and forth…..just. like. me. Over time, all that mid-air action has caused rips and dents to form but the nest continues to holds fast. How can that be? Is there a lesson for me, perhaps? Maybe you can relate too. For as much as I don’t “understand myself” and waiver between what is right and what I hate, I’ve found this WE have to hold on to:

“This is why we have a great High Priest who has gone to heaven, Jesus the Son of God. Let us cling to Him and never stop trusting him.  This High priest of ours understands our weaknesses for he faced all of the same temptations we do, yet He did not sin.  So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.  There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it.”

Hebrews 5:14-16

Yes, hanging in limbo is a frustrating place to be. I know better.  I want better.  What a blessing it is that despite the bumps and bruises, the back and forth, the do and don’t do, a hornets’ nest reminds us that we are anchored in the grasp of God, who knows just where we are and where we’re going.  We can boldly leave limbo behind and embrace with certainty, that with His help, mercy and grace we’ll reach our destination.

I’m really enjoying writing posts as part of Suzanne Eller’s #livefreeThursday.  This week’s prompt as you might have guessed is “limbo”.  If you’d like to read more thoughts on being in limbo click here http://www.tsuzanneeller.com

 

I’m Marked

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"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12

“For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” 1 Corinthians 13:12

I’m Marked

My mirror tells a story

I don’t want to hear.

Of passing time, sagging skin

And other things I fear.

Wrinkles, laugh lines,

A hair on my chin?

How can this be my outside

When I still feel young within?

Age spots, freckles,

A scar by my eye.

I’m marked head to toe

By years passing by.

Just about the time

I begin to despair,

A still, small voice says;

“See My masterpiece there!”

Leaning into the glass

I look long and deep,

The reflection I saw

Caused me to weep.

For it was at this moment

My heart began to sing,

Because dear friends,

I’d forgotten one thing.

I’m marked on the inside!

Saved by His grace!

My sins are forgiven,

Jesus died in my place!

Each hair on my head,

The reflection I see,

Is all part of His plan

For me being ME!

The face is the same

But the story is new.

I’m a woman marked by God

Seeing the beauty of His love shine through!

This post was written as part of #livefreeThursday.  Pop over to http://www.tsuzanneeller.com to read more about being marked by God!

 

 

A Baby Bottle Lesson

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"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21 NIV

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21 NIV

My baby bottle years have been way behind me, that is, until my grandson was recently born.  Now, I’m reveling in every moment of holding him close in my arms while he drinks from his bottle.  This precious time is a blessing and a joy and believe it or not it has reminded me of a truth about myself:  I am a planner. (That’s a nice way of saying I’m a control freak)  At home, when I was teaching school, on vacation, at church events, in retirement, and on and on; I’ve wanted things to go the way I thought they should go.  A lot of my energy has been spent organizing, designing, formulating, and figuring out how to navigate life with as few disappointments, unwelcome surprises, or bumps as possible along the way.  Now don’t get me wrong, in day to day life, my strategies have been useful in accomplishing many things that had to be done,  but being so wrapped up in doing things myself I believe has caused me to be missing out  in my relationship with God.  Here’s where a bottle feeding helped me see a little more clearly.

Being almost five months old, my grandson has started trying to help feed himself.  He clumsily brings his hands up and attempts to wrap them around the bottle,  In doing so, more times than not, his hands get in the way and the flow of milk stops or he pulls the bottle completely from his mouth.  The result is usually a leg kicking, arm flailing, red faced yell.   In my hand I have everything he requires to be nourished and to satisfy his needs.  I offer it to him freely and with love.   All my grand baby needs to do is open his mouth and accept the life giving gift.  Do you see where this is leading?  Here’s my ah-ha moment……

How often have my attempts at planning life out my way actually hindered my receiving what God was freely and lovingly offering me?  Thinking I know what’s best, have I pushed unseen blessings away?

Have I faced times of famine simply because I’ve strived to do things on my own? 

Watching Carson trying so hard to feed himself has caused me to pause and reflect.  I’m reminded that God has me, and he has you, cradled in His arms and He’s offering us His very best for our lives.  

Life certainly can cause us to kick and scream while teaching us that we’re not in control. It’s time for me to give up my clumsy attempts at directing my purpose and my path.  I need to do less planning and more praying.  Let go of my timelines and trust God to provide everything I need at just the right moment. Maybe you’re ready to give up your control too.  Together let’s loosen our grip and open ourselves  to “drink” in the life He has waiting for us.

I have written this post as part of #livefreeThursday.  The prompt was “I give up”. Want to read more? Go to http://www.tsuzanneeller.com

Treasured

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Rounding the last corner after a long drive with two small children, I spotted her house.  As I pulled in the drive my eyes found hers as she came from between the brightly colored hanging plants, a smile lighting up her face and her arms already spread wide to welcome me. A silent sigh from deep within escaped  through my lips, releasing the stresses of the trip and so much more. We’d made it; despite spilled french fries, backseat territory arguments, unscheduled pit stops, and highway construction, we’d reached our destination….my Grandma’s arms! 

Being at Grandma’s for me, was always a respite from the rest of the world. Affection abounded, caring overflowed, and despite what was going on in her life, I was always welcomed  with her whole heart. She enveloped me into a place of tenderness and acceptance, but more than that, she had a way of making me feel truly  treasured.

Looking back, I can’t tell you the exact words or actions my Grandma used to create such a sense of being cherished, but I can say that those times wrapped in her love and encouragement were a rare and precious gift I cling to today.

I don’t know about you, but I can easily lose sight of myself as a treasure and instead focus on my “rusty junk pile”. I fail, disappoint, abandon, compare, complain…you know the list. Oh, how I question my worth!

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son threw his arms around him and kissed him.  The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.  Bring the fattened calf and kill it.  Let’s have a feast and celebrate.” Luke 15:20-23

Here’s what the open, welcoming arms of my Grandma and those of the Prodigal Son’s Father are teaching me:

Our worth isn’t measured by what we do or don’t do.  It’s measured by love.

 That junk pile we worry about? Love took care of that when Jesus spread His arms, wide on the cross to welcome each of us to our destination in Heaven, where we will be accepted, loved, and treasured. Now that’s reason to celebrate!

Temple of Memories

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I’m a collector.  Not just any collector, but an emotional collector.  Old photographs, dried corsages, drawings by my children, love notes from my students, letters from my grandparents all saved.  Some in boxes or on shelves, some in albums, and still others stuck between the pages of my Bible.  Each precious piece tells a story of my life.  I cling to them. I depend on them to take me back in time so I can recall that very moment like it was yesterday.  Fingering the soft material of my babies’ blankets, reading personal messages in greeting cards I’ve received over the years, and using dishes that used to be in my Grandma’s kitchen all kindle a myriad of memories for me. 

Recently, I was looking at my “teacher shrine”.  (Yes, I have filled a shelf with bits and pieces of my teaching career; things I couldn’t bear to throw away or even put away.)  As I stood there reminiscing with each item I began to wonder:

why do I so passionately hold fast to things that take me backward? 

As I’ve spent time with this question I have come to realize that looking backward is safe and safe is what I like.  Preserving fragments of life allows me to pick and choose the experiences I recall.  The people, events, and feelings connected to each memory don’t change and change is what I don’t like so, cradling the past has protected me from the anxiety of taking steps into the unknown. Whoa! This is big!  You see, I’ve been praying, with no result, for God to show me His plan for my life, but how could He?  Just as an Owl can completely turn its head around I now realize that I’ve diverted my focus away from the life adventure that is waiting ahead for me.  

Maybe you’re like me and while spending time in our

 “temple of memories,”

we have missed opportunities for Divine adventures and to worship God, the writer of our futures.

Traveling down memory lane is fun every now and then, but I think it’s time for me to clear off a few shelves, empty some boxes, clean out the temple, and give myself space to make new memories.  It won’t be easy. Anxiety? You bet!  I’ll have to take it one box at a time but, eyes forward,  I’m determined to “press on” toward living life in the direction God is leading me and not looking back.

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14 NIV

I have written this post as part of Suzanne Eller’s #livefreeThursday.  Want to read more about anxiety and adventure? Go to her website www.tsuzanneeller.com for inspiration.

Wanted

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Wanted…a guilt-free woman!  I know she’s hiding out in there somewhere, but I just can’t seem to gain control and keep her in custody. I’ve had glimpses of her but she’s elusive!

“I can’t believe I said that!”

“Why didn’t I say something?”

“I don’t really want to do that but I’ll feel bad if I don’t.”

“I wish I wouldn’t have done that.”

“I should have worked harder.”

“I let him down.”

“I’ll never change!”

These words and many more like them roll around in my mind like tumbleweeds in a wind storm.  Guilt and worry about things I did or didn’t do. Things I said, didn’t say, or could’ve said. Words and feelings of shame for the times I’ve let my family, friends, and worst of all, God down. Maybe you’re a little like me.  You have a hard time letting go of regret and remorse.  Our failures replay over and over and over again like an echo hitting the canyon walls.  Why is it that I have trouble remembering what I had for lunch but can recall every detail of mistakes I made years ago?  I don’t want to be shackled to these habits anymore!  I desire to break out and find  the guilt-free woman I long to be !

Here’s the amazing thing…..we’re given the key to open the door!

“Yet now God in his gracious kindness declares us not guilty.  He has done this through Christ Jesus, who has freed us by taking away our sins” Romans 3:24 (NLT)

You read that correctly!  We don’t have to live lassoed to our guilt! Grace liberates us! I have been on the trail of my guilt-free self for quite a while now.  I’m still learning that it’s a journey of faith and trust.  It can be bumpy, dirty, and lonely.  As you might guess, I sometimes  get thrown off.  The happy ending though, is that my “Posse” is always there to help me up, dust me off, and put me back into the saddle so I can continue on toward the REWARD of riding off into the sunset a guilt-free woman.

 

~I have written this as part of the #livefree community @www.tsuzanneeller.com Gallop on over and read more about living a guilt-free life!

 

 

Fixer Upper Envy

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One of many projects needing to be tackled.

On the list to be fixed.

I love watching home improvement shows!  You know the kind. Where talented designers walk into a house that has been neglected and is run down. One that no one else sees potential in and with vision they create a plan to make it look absolutely perfect!  It’s common during these shows, for the contractor to uncover some hidden problems in the process and then like a hero, finds a way to fix everything so that it’s better than ever, almost as if they’d never existed.  I think I’m a big fan because I live in an old house that needs its own improvement show!  I literally drool as the beautiful remodeled homes on T.V. are revealed to their owners.  I’ve been known to shed a tear or two along with them as they realize the once deteriorating house has become their forever home.  I even daydream about a team coming to our small town to surprise me and fix all the problems my house has. New gutters and siding on the exterior.  Stylish paint and furniture in every room and oh, a beautifully updated kitchen with shiny, new, working appliances!  Yes, I confess, I have fixer upper envy!

I hate to admit it, but my envy extends beyond my house.  I could sure use some fixing up myself!  My exterior needs work and hidden on the inside are many imperfections that need improvement. “I want to be more fit. I wish my hair was straight. I’d hoped to have more wisdom by now.  Why can’t I fully trust?  Procrastinating has to stop!” The list goes on and on.  I’m learning the more focus I put on what’s neglected, tattered, dingy, faded, and frayed, the harder it is for me to reach my true potential.

My house most likely will never be featured on any home improvement show. Thankfully though, I have “The Designer of all Things” working on me!  It’s a slow process for now, but one day, it will be as if my problems never existed and I’ll step into my forever home with Him, the ultimate Fixer Upper!

 

I’m Wrecked

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I’m wrecked! Derailed! A goner! Why? Because of a little “bump” in the road that changed everything….my first grandchild! Life has been forever transformed.  My priorities are altered. And my heart?  My heart literally overflows with a love like I’ve never known.  I ache when I’m away from him and joy fills every part of my being when I hold him close in my arms.  My thoughts and dreams have shifted and oh, when I look in those precious little eyes I see hope for the future. Yes, this MiMi is a wreck! And it’s a great wrecked!

You know?  It occurs to me that God knew that I’d be wrecked by this new little miracle, but even more importantly He knew that you and I would be wrecked when he sent the miracle of His son…a little “bump” that changed EVERYTHING!  The birth and death of Jesus forever transforms lives.  His sacrifice shows us  love greater than we’ve ever known and priorities are changed when we accept His gift of that overflowing love.  Thoughts and dreams shift from being ours to becoming more like Him.  We ache for Him when we drift away and the joy we experience when we’re held in the arms of Jesus defies understanding.  Yes, Jesus came to make our lives a wreck.  To stop us in our tracks, spin us around, and put us on a new course. a course that leads us to Him.  And when we look into the eyes of Jesus we too see hope.  But not just hope for the future.  We see precious hope for eternity.  Yes, I’ve been wrecked by Jesus and that’s the most wonderful wrecked of all!

~I have written today’s post as part of Live Free Thursday hosted by Suzanne Eller. Her subject today was “Wrecked”.  Check out other writers entries at www.tsuzanneeller.com