“And think about grassy fields-the grasses are here now, but they will be dead by winter. And yet God adorns them so radiantly. How much more will He clothe you, you of little faith, you who have not trust:” Matthew 6:30 (The Voice)
Teetering on Trust
“It is life and death.” Words I never imagined I’d ever write in my journal and yet, two years ago today I found myself doing just that. Our youngest grandson had been life-flighted to Nationwide Children’s Hospital and his future, our future, was teetering between those very things: life and death. You may know exactly how that feels, too.
At ten months old, that precious little boy of ours lost most of his intestines due to them traveling through a small, undetected hole in his diaphragm and the blood supply being cut off from them for too long. But, praise God he survived and despite his many challenges he thrives today as a true, living miracle!
As I reflect on that experience two years ago there are many emotions, thoughts, and memories churning around inside of me. I moved in and cared for my two older grandsons while their parents stayed at the hospital. For three months there were ups and downs, joys and pain, discouragement and hope, fear and oh, so much bravery. I leaned on God’s strength more than I ever have in my life and He got me through.
Those weeks of desperate prayer, worship through praise music, reading Scripture, and receiving unbelievable support from those around us brought me to a place I’d never been, an ah-ha moment when I finally was able to say to myself and to God, “I see now. Even in the worst times You are with me working things out for the best even when I don’t understand. I. Can. Trust. You.” Let me tell you, this was a place I’d wanted to be for a long time. Trust has never been easy for me and I was relieved that I’d finally made it.
Fast forward two years and here’s the rest of the story: I still have a long way to go. Even though I didn’t think it would, worry has crept back into my life. Fears overtake me in the night. Anxiety steals my breath. And trusting God with every part of my life? I think you can probably tell I’m struggling. Oh me of little faith. The good news is the fight isn’t quite as hard as before because I’ve seen God light the way through such a dark time and that helps me to remember He guides me now.
And so, I continue to aspire to be more faithful. To trust God with everything, everyone, and all of me no matter what comes. If I’m honest, it’s scary to type those words and to believe them because I’ve lived long enough to know that desiring more faith and trust often means walking through more of those “teetering” experiences for growth to happen. I’m guessing you also know that.
“Don’t run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journey and cross the finish line-mature, complete, and wanting nothing.”
James 1:2-4 (The Voice)
I’m not wishing for hardships, quite the opposite really, but I am encouraged by these words and truly hope for a blossoming faith no matter what lies ahead. And when I need an extra reminder of finding joy in my troubles I just need to look at his smile! If this boy can smile with all he has gone and goes through, then I can embrace what comes and “ultimately find joy” in the journey, too. I pray you are encouraged to do the same and together we can say for certain, come what may, “I trust You.”
“The deepest pains may linger through the night,
but joy greets the soul with the smile of morning.”
Psalm 30:5 (The Voice)
I think my initial attempt at a comment went amids!
Do not run, friend, from the fear,
thinking it a lack of trust
that the Lord really is near,
for there are the times He must
step back from you, let go your hand,
breaking His own heart in this,
that you may learn to understand
that your doubt’s not Satan’s kiss,
but rather what His Son endured
in Gethsemane’s long night
that salvation be ensured,
and that the triumph of the Right would never thus be left behind,
carried by not heart, but mind
Beautiful little boy.
yay for your boy pulling through, and … my faith, like yours, feels very small sometimes.
Thanks for the encouragement. 🙂 FMF16
I will trust in the Lord. With all my heart, with all my mind, with all my strength I will trust in the Lord. Sometimes it’s a relatively easy thing to do but sometimes I have to make a conscious decision or choice to trust Him. The people around me may let me down, even i might let myself down – but He never will!
So glad to see your precious grandson’s beautiful smile.
Lovely post!
Heather, this is the perfect encouragement for my crazy mind and soul! Thank you! I really appreciate you stopping in and sharing your wisdom.